24

The last year has been entirely what I had imagined it would be,

• me lashing out at things that shouldn't be tolerated, 
• blasting a couple childhood friends who still seem to be stuck in the past, 
• changing impressions and mindsets of people within the many gangs I've been part of  
• trusting my instincts more and just going for it. 
• And then emptying the baggage all through, letting people and feelings pass by..

So I had transitioned from the extremely inward looking, emotionally detached person to something more of an ambivert (the dual thing has got me big time) and becoming more and more dependent on the people closest to me. But I feel I've struck a balance now, maybe that's for a later post.

And the good things: 

• Growth and contribution at work
• Some timeless memories and moments of epiphany
• Self-discovery, discovery of others and overcoming insecurities
• Gaining maturity but not really feeling like 24; still feels like 22 although the number makes me feel grown-up! 

Well here's what I envision for the coming year: to RISE.

The idea is to squeeze in two days worth in a single day,

At the same time maintaining work life balance

More physical & mental exercise and to compete 

Achieving the untapped potential, or the visualized potential
And yes, exploring life outside office :D 
PS. This time I'm not in a hurry, want to relive every moment

Cheers,
14-12-2013

Retrospection and Nostalgia

Retrospection

I've always been a strong believer in retrospection as a teacher. The sort of retrospection where you just look back and start smiling at the many times you've told yourself, "I should just get through this one day". Maybe an exam in a subject you dreaded or making some presentation of stuff you've never understood fully. But why would anyone want to revisit the moments that scared them the most? Two polar possibilities:

1. For some reason, you've had to continue doing the same stuff -- like a sportsperson -- but this time you've have kept it at; finally comprehending what you had missed to earlier. Most of my life I've always been in this category: of getting those late epiphanies and have also had company in a couple of friends who faced similar experiences. Or, 
2. You've landed yourself in yet another similar situation and get that sad, depressed feeling with a sense of deja vu` trying to recollect when you felt that worse. I guess we all have our own vulnerabilities and often find ourselves in such a situation.

I say polar because, in the former situation you end up feeling good about yourself -- looking at the maturity, the learning, on facing your demons, etc. While in the latter, you feel sadder, lose more confidence and just start crumbling and giving up.

There were infinite times when I just ran to a secluded place to think and re-think and gain something out of the exercise.

Nostalgia

Another feeling that traverses a similar path in our mind is a longing for things gone by. A longing for the good times that were, a longing for school days, a longing for a loved one, and the list goes on.

• And when is this triggered? Sights, sounds, and even smells! In fact, all the five senses.
• How does nostalgia effect us?
• Well, if there's not a huge change in your life -- you're living in the same city, with the same set of friends, with the same clothes -- then you'd feel happy and continue living it the same way. Not much to gain out of this. 
• If there's a drastic change to how you've been living life, say for example, you've enrolled in the army leaving aside your profession. When you start living in the most horrifying conditions of war and realizing the fragility of life, etc. you feel happy and sad immersing yourself in nostalgia.

Differences?
The differences are immediately obvious:

1. Nostalgia is more common, more talked about, more shared, more experienced. Whereas retrospection is something more personal -- something you can discuss only with people who know you, or know what you do, well. Retrospection is not something you just sit back, re-watch the moments go by, but you start doing something about it and in the process you learn and become better. 
2. Nostalgic feelings come once in a while, when you meet an old friend, visit your old school or anything with an 'old' prefix.Whereas retrospection could be about something dating a year back or a decision taken in the morning or even a second before.
3. Finally, nostalgia leaves us with both a sense of happiness and sadness, but retrospection affects us at one of the extremes. You feel the happiness of those times and yet feel sad that you are not there in that place anymore. 

Combining the two 

Since they go so closely, how about benefiting by using the two together? In no particular order as such.

Retrospection ending up in nostalgia is an important trap to avoid. We should retrospect without (always) succumbing to nostalgia, because the consequence is that every time you want to figure out what went wrong you'd get stuck like a tape at some point. And there's no real learning from it, you just have some happy-sad feelings.

But Nostalgia with Retrospection is more powerful. Not only do you recollect how things were, and soak in the emotion of it but also come out of it and start re-building yourself. And that is what the superhero thought I had once come up with was about: 

If these things can take you back in time, they can take you ahead as well.

 

How I feel

Its been almost a year when I first jotted some stuff for this post and left it at that. And I thought to myself

"A lot has taken place over the last one year. And I think there is no reason why I shouldn't be putting down what I learnt continuously and consistently over time."

Ironically, its actually been a year since I thought its been a year last time.

1. Clarity: I have always had late realizations about some things in life but they strike so strongly that the journey, to epiphany, is my way of understanding life. But they clear so many doubts that you just start feeling a little wiser.
   
   
   
   
   
2. Finding what you love- This is just so bloody important for living. Should never give up
   

   

   The soft version

   

   The confident version
   
   
   The hard version

3. Get rid of some baggage: One of my close friends always kept telling me that I needn't try to be nice to everybody. Honestly, I was never trying to do that. I always sought to get myself in the right direction although I keep making mistakes. I tried to explain but the sort of impression childhood friends have about you, its difficult for them to get rid of it. But I don't see the reason to do that anymore if he/she really had to understand they would've understood long back.
   
   
   
4. About relationships- I've often been told that when you tread that friendship-love boundary we tend to spoil the magic, that keeping it a guessing game is what girls like to do. But on the contrary, I met someone who didn't have such mental contortions and lived life the way I imagined it should be. We shouldn't restrict our thinking or tell ourselves that this is the limit. When you care for someone, we should let them know. And similarly, when you love someone we should let them know.
   
   

   

   Endorsed. 

   
   
5. Numbing your senses- Again, self-control is not about denying your senses, its about not having the mind wander in the first place. Numbing senses or denying impulse can be detrimental in that they can rebel back too!

And this also was supposed to be post#75 on this blog. (I think it would be post#85 now :D) Need to publish out a few drafts and clean-up stuff. Now that I've cleared stuff with people who mattered, need to clean-up stuff and put forth stuff that matters. 

Cheers! :) 

Being yourself

"Be yourself" is perhaps one of the most obvious advise people would give or get. But is it really so easy to respond to every inner feeling and impulse you have and actually be yourself all the time?

To be able to fully realize ourselves and our abilities, takes time for one thing and for another it takes a lot of courage. We should not grow according to the societal settings and restrictions - we are not creepers. Rather, its important to find ourselves in the crowd and grow to our full potential just being ourselves all the way.

Like doing things which are both true and right is sometimes the most difficult thing to do; being yourself - which is both the truth and the right thing is also difficult.

Escaping the escapism of pretending to be someone else when faced with trouble and not wanting to confront a situation lest it lead to depression is one challenge.

The other thing is living with the knowledge that you have to face the situation one or the other day. Even denying your senses would cause the senses to rebel against you sooner or later.

Then there's a little peer pressure, of what the society would think; but hey its your life. Let someone else not decide what you are worth or what you should be doing. You do it serenely calmly and reach your full potential.

Of course it doesn't matter, but don't let them get away with the wrong idea. The wrong ideas spread faster. 

Just a retrospection than anything else :) that's totally me :D

WAR

WAR. I've been on a war mission the last six months of

• trying to make people understand some problems, they found it odd why I stood up for others. 
• unravel the mysteries behind their behavior, it was almost always about wanting to be right. 
• telling them what's really happening, they assume what you see is what you get. 

But a war doesn't start of course start in one day, it takes a lot of time to get provoked to the ultimate step. And I guess I sort of ignited it myself a couple (or more) of years ago mainly by bottling up my feelings -- simply for the reason that there really wasn't anyone whom I could discuss the whole thing with.

WAR be it hot, cold or lukewarm tests you, throttles you and makes you doubt every single assumption and yes there's killing. It kills a lot of feelings but also blesses you with an immense deal of realizations:

• Bottling up feelings 
• Either they are too childish/silly to really still feel bad even though you try hard explaining about it e.g., "You didn't say thank you when I gave you the pencil during an exam."
• Or people have long forgotten the issue and they are sometimes not even aware that such a thing has happened e.g., "I failed the exam because you gave me a blunt pencil, on purpose!"
  
• Standing up for others
• I for one am over sensitive to things that are close to me and expect that everyone is the same and that they would feel bad. Not everyone can do it, people are afraid of becoming the bad guy and why would you be afraid if you were good you would either expect people to understand their mistake or realize if you've made one.

• Friendship needs caring
• I never really believed this quote: "Friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely" 
  But as time passed by, I realize its importance and why a frustrated friend is not always to be ignored. 
• Some gospel to take away
  Those who don't understand you or who make you feel comfortable avoid them as far as possible, move on. Those who are close to you, you would always care for them and can derive happiness even just by talking to them. And those who understand you, don't hesitate, vent it all out -- because a sanity check and scheduled cleanup are always in order.

• Last and the best, WAR itself reads: Without Any Reason
• People from the outside, would view it that way or make some fancy assumptions as to what would have happened. 
• People involved become so engrossed in winning over the other that they actually forget the true reason why situation started. In some cases it maybe genuinely long drawn but both the parties must be aware of it. 

Now I have people to discuss it with, share the burden along, empty the bottled up feelings vent out anger fear and frustration and then when I look back, What I see? Just an empty winding road like a cassette tape suddenly pulled out of the stereo.
(To be continued)

Everything we wanted to learn

I had come across this quote a few years back and it was one of the most inspiring things at that time. 

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.These are the things I learned:

• Share everything.

• Play fair.

• Don't hit people.

• Put things back where you found them.

• Clean up your own mess.

• Don't take things that aren't yours.

• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.

• Wash your hands before you eat.

• Flush.

• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

• Take a nap every afternoon.

• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Although it was slightly against the basic philosophy of change and nowhere close to being as original as the Moral sciences we had in school, it captures life's lessons in retrospective. Its nice to carry around a list with all of the lessons you learn and modify them when you re-learn or unlearn. And always remember that we cannot roam around the world holding a static list, it has to be adaptive and perhaps shouldn't even be a list. 

And when you follow-up on all of the lessons you come up with, something as independent as this gets created.

Happy life lessons list making!

So, what is love? Part 3

Picking up from the last post.

Love is a journey,

• a single journey of two hearts, many dreams; 
• two souls, many people; 
• two hands many crossings.

Other learning:

1. Its best not to complicate things by bottling up, its best to talk them out and true love will bring us closer after each fight that we have. I really know the difference!
2. To keep it simple, its important to be rooted in the facts of where the relationship sprung from, but having the roots firm alone will not help.
   
   
3. Treasure all the moments in love which you feel are precious and pure. They'll keep the relationship going normally even in downtime.

And for the beginners: just say it, when you are sure. You don't want to end up regretting.

A lady and the book "I too had a love story" - Part2

Dated:
22nd Jan 2013,
Tuesday,
07:30 IST

Another beautiful morning.

Story...

The 7:22 IST part ..
I boarded the bus at 7:22 IST (my usual timings in the morning) , today I was lucky enough to find a window seat for myself and I could place my bad on the one besides mine. So, It was me, my newspaper and the window. 
                        Eight minutes later the bus stopped at Kharkana, (place where the lady boards the bus from). She got into the bus and the two of us greeted each other with a smile. She sat beside me and without me asking her she took the book from her bag and gave it to me saying
"Here you go, enjoy reading..."
I gave a bigger smile this time and started reading the book... I read about 50 pages before my destination arrived (my office) and gave her back the book.

I had a good day today with minimal work at office.

The 18:15 IST part ..
I boarded the 18:15 IST bus and, again, rather luckily I found her in the bus. We greeted each other with a warm smile and then she gave me the book before I asked for it.
I started to read ...

Now, from whats on the inside...
                       This love story is about a guy who meets a girl on the matrimony site Shaadi,com. They happen to exchange their phone numbers and start conversing over the phone.
In just a few months time they exchange their pictures and soon realize that they are deeply in love, although they never saw each other in person. They talk, talk and just talk over the phone endlessly as and when they find time, rather as and when they miss each other.

The story continues to be like any other love story until the part of their Meeting (in person). Its interesting as to how they meet for just a few hours before his flight to the US at the girls place, with his in laws.
And after all these good phases of his life comes the Tragedy, this time its not the guy or the girl who betrays the other, but its Fate...

( I fear the author might kill me if I told everything out in a blog this way, so read it for yourself and enjoy... (if you like to read and listen to love stories)... )

                          So, I was engrossed into reading the book and I was almost done. I was left with 10 pages more to do with it but her stop was nearing. I gave back her book and then she said, 
" I think you should finish it, so keep it with you, and you can return it tomorrow"
Another big curve on my face and I thanked her again.
We then talked about music and Carnatic singing. I told her how I loved Tamil songs ... etc in the 10 minutes time.
I wished her a good night and thanked her again.
The moment she got alighted the bus, I started to read the book again crazily. 
10 minutes for me to alight and 10 pages to complete.

I read 5 pages carefully (tears everywhere because it ended tragic, in the story not my eyes...!) while in the bus and then rushed home to read the remaining.

I am done with reading the book. I liked it.
It feels good when you complete reading a book moreover I liked the story.

So now, the best parts,
One ~ I made a new friend, I now know her well. Its good to make new friends.
Two ~ I read a good book.
Three ~ I could related almost every part of the story to Cinderellas present situation. Feels warm and the hope never dies ...

Life is too short, you never know when what could happen to you so make the best use of it.

...... The End ......

PS : "I've Learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side"  -- 11 minutes Paulo Coelho, Looking forward to read this.

A lady and the book "I too had a love story" - Part1

Dated:
21st Jan 2013,
Monday,
18:15 IST

I boarded the 18:15 IST bus and I was all set to take my usual 30 minute nap.But before that, something very interesting happened to me ...

Story...
During my commute, I usually prefer the window seat and I put my bag on the seat besides mine, so I could just sit alone with no neighbor beside me.This is feasible, usually in the mornings. Its only sometimes that I have a neighbor beside me and that very person would mostly be one among the many friends I know in the bus.
                          A few months ago, almost every person in the bus enjoyed the window seat with no neighbor besides them, in the mornings(Not quite possible in the evenings as the bus would be fully occupied), which I think, is good, because at least then, one would have some time to be with oneself , in solitude! But, from the start of this year, One could hardly sit alone and I also missed my window seat by a 5 minute delay almost everyday during the evenings.

So, yesterday, I boarded my 18:15 IST bus, on the way home, and I happened to sit beside a lady whom I knew for almost 2 years now. And , by saying "I knew her" , it means I knew her only by her face and place where she boards the bus from.
                          I was looking for a place to sit and she was conversing over her phone while she, kind lady, took off her bag that she had placed on the seat besides her, so I could sit. I was now adjusting my seat and making myself comfortable, and that's when, my eyes popped onto the book that was on her lap.
(Curious)

I, a maniac, forgot the basic ways to strike a conversation at that moment, for I was deeply engrossed in knowing the book from the outside first.

An ideal conversation (so you don't scare the person or the other way round, if you know what I mean ..!) with someone you did not know, but wanted to, would be, some what,
this way ...
"Hello" 
(her reply)
"I am Cinderella, may I know your name?" 
(her reply)
"Would you mind if I borrow your book for a while?"
(her reply)

But Alas!
                          I looked curiously at the book to know which one it was, turning my head just the way a Sunflower gets attracted to the Sunlight. I then unhesitatingly asked her 
"Can I take a look at the book?" 
forgetting the basics I just mentioned above ... (does that matter??!!)
She very kindly said, 
"sure" 
and gave me the book.

"I too had a love story" - by Ravinder Singh, yeah that was name of the book!
I read the gist of the book at its back, It seemed like an interesting love story. IMO every love story irrespective of its similarities seems interesting.
Without any second thought, leave alone second, I just did not think and I started to read the book.
I was determined to complete reading the 200 page book no matter what.
(engrossed)

Its a love story, which initially seemed like I already read before, but this one is something very closely related to Cinderella and Mr Director(alas! Mr D doesn't know how Cinderella feels...now don't ask me who they are..!!)

I read until my eyes watered and my head started to pain and my stomach started to churn from within (feeling  nauseated). I was done with a 100 pages by now, I took a small break by closing my eyes and keeping the book close to my heart. I then closed it and gave back the book to the lady and smiled. She smiled in return and said nothing. I took another 10 minute nap ...

I then woke up from the heavenly feeling on reading a good book and I apologized to her for my weird behavior saying ...
(face-palm)

            
"I apologize for not having let you read your book"
She said,
"that's okay"
I then smiled. And then she asked me,
"So how did you like it?"
And I said,
"So far, like any other love story, yet interesting..."
And she smiled again.
After a few minutes of silence I asked her what her name was and I told her my name, I thanked her then for having given me the book. (Another face-palm for having thanked her a bit late).
By now, I thought I would download an eBook so I could finish reading, as this thought came to my mind, the lady said 
"I shall carry this book along with me every day, so you can read when ever we meet" 
and after saying this she suggested me not to buy it.
I felt good. I smiled at her and thanked her for being so nice. I wished her a good night and on reaching home I relished the first 100 pages of the book  and then dozed off.


...... To be Continued .....

So, what is love? - Part 2

Summarizing the previous post, we start to think that we are falling in love by:

1. Feeling close to some people (sometimes may lead to infatuation) 
2. Helping each other out (the bond shall always be strong) 
3. That inner feeling of having found the one (happens in movies when the writers don't know how to end the film -- 500 days of Summer. Or when we take a love potion or as KC would say when we are hypnotized.)

I searched through Tumblr for some thoughts and here are a few common answers people give us when we ask them how do you know it is love? We are of course talking about the ishq wala love :)

But don't we feel the same way about best friends too? So this is necessary but not sufficient. 

Of all these I liked this the most:

More like it :)

I still stick to the final conclusion. 

Love, like life itself, will yield new meaning each time we try to decipher it; which is why it is universally accepted as an integral part of life. 

Love and infatuation

I liked what Harsha Bhogle had to say about Tendulkar's 100th hundred.

Therein lies the inherent contradiction of life; you want the landmark, but if that is what you play for, you don't get it. If you can hypnotize yourself into thinking that the landmark doesn't exist, you get it quicker. If the 100th hadn't been on Tendulkar's mind - and we must take part of the blame for that - he might have got it earlier. The more he thought of it the more distant it grew and the more distant it grew, the more it began to suffocate him.

And that is the first question I had long back-
So for the past few days I was caught in two, three, four... minds about who it should be (and not why)? 

When you start looking for that one person you will start weighing too many things and start inviting conflicts that are difficult to resolve. It is like solving two related problems, where we frame the second question to fit the first answer.

• to understand them and at the same time check if they fit what you want from the One. 
• to know if they'll understand you and at the same time feel okay to talk about yourself. 
• keep telling yourself that it is the One rather than listening to what your heart says. 

So we can't go on looking for that goal (girl) because we'll never find it. Just as we would expect to find a perfect match for ourselves we just ought to keep building ourselves in that way: doing the correct things, being good and understanding people better. And sooner or later we will find that landmark (one person) whom we would fall in love with. How do we say that it is the right person or the only person? Well there's no explanation for that, it must come from inside. 

And simply put :D

My infatuated love

I started imagining that the person I liked, could be that one person. Started seeing them the way I wanted them to be and exalting their qualities. But there isn't a huge difference between my imagination and realty because it was spread out for a longer time. Maybe they could have been the person of my dreams, but I never had a chance to figure it out. It was like a target I was looking to achieve and more I tried, farther it got away. Or a door that would never open. Unlike Tendulkar, I don't have anyone putting pressure on me to reach that target so I don't need to play for that anymore. 

And as Bhogle says, ah forget it, doesn't matter now.